playboymommy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time machines and mountains and sometimes i wonder who i am and why i'm here. what is my place in this tight, confined community where everyone has some sort of weird, twisted connection to everyone else? and why am i feeling like this now? the past two days have been wonderful, the the nth degree. and today i walk around, unable to speak coherently and having trouble feeling comfortable anywhere but in my bed with the lights out (except for the small lamp by my bed) reading the fourth harry potter book. i think the anger that i finally recognized is making me want to be young and innocent and childlike again. but it's impossible to go back. how can i live life as if i haven't experienced what i have? how can i pretend that people are good when i know differently? how can i trust when i haven't been able to for so long? how can i pretend that there isn't the possibility of me having to go what my mom went through? it's impossible. there isn't any going back, there aren't any 'do-overs' anymore. i can't abort this game as if it were some stupid game of snood that wasn't going well. but i want to more than anything. and that's what i'm most angry about. and maybe it was just the day. so cold, dreary, and wet, after two days of 'warmth.' (no, it wasn't really warm, but it was for january.) and it killed my good mood. last night was great. i went to the pink house, hung out with doobie and niels, like old times. we made a two a.m. hot rod's run, got sandwiches, and talked about freshman year when the three of us were unseperable (for the most part). i miss those days, when life seemed like it was going to be easier for a while. then last year came, and i'm still trying to clean up that mess. and this year, i don't know what's going on with this year. i'm finally happy just being by myself, and figuring things out. i've gotten over past interests in people, i've started focusing on me, for the betterment of me. but it has caused me to shut people out of my life, a little too much the majority of the time. but things like saturday night happen, when dave kissed me. and i was glad that i was able to say no, that i didn't feel comfortable doing that because we were both drunk. but he hasn't looked at me since then. and we sat across from each other in seminar the other night. it sucks, because he is a really nice guy, and i enjoyed talking to him and being friends with him, and now he's all weird when nothing has changed about the way that i view him. i even said hi to him last night, and he just kind of looked at me and turned, and went into the house. maybe he thinks that i'm a bitch. whatever. i don't need this right now, i don't need to be worrying about it, but i don't need things to be weird either. that's it. i'm going to go pitch a tent on the top of a mountain for a year, or more, and not talk to anyone and just wait for a better time and a better situation. but just as i can't look back and change things, i can't force my life to be any different from what it is and what it's supposed to be. 10:51 p.m. - january 24, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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